as a married woman.. the feeling to carry a life in my womb is the most expected feeling ever.. no doubt that i want to have a child of my own.. after 2 years of marriage.. no sign of im getting pregnant.. its ok.. i never had the feeling that i am a failure.. a loser of what-so-ever as i am a very positive human being about this matter.. im ok with it.. as some might crying all night.. stress out their life.. but im ok..
as i always plastered in my mind that its not in my power to make sure i got pregnant.. its God's power.. all i can do is try and try.. but at some point.. i just stop trying and just enjoy the life.. i dont want to push myself so hard and at the end my heart breaks whenever i saw spot of blood stained my undergarment..
so i live the life.. i enjoy living.. (not so enjoyable 2-3 months ago) but anyway.. out of sudden.. tonight.. my mind wandering.. what if i die tomorrow.. i have no son or daughter to continue this blood.. i will never have the experience giving birth.. no one will call me mummy.. this tits will never be full of milk.. n the sad part.. no one will pray for me.. or misses me.. (except my husband) but this is in the perspective of mother-children relationships.. i know very well that my husband is gonna be crazy for 4-5 months if i die.. or less? haha.. i dont know.. how should i know?
the thought of all my sisters-in law have the experience 'berpantang' with my mom.. but.. i never did? all my brothers gave my mom and dad grandchildren and i never did..
my mind went a bit over the edge tonite.. i memorized the way Aiddil (my nephew) hugged me.. he was running toward me and scream 'Cik Yong'.. it can be my kid u know.. screaming 'Mummy!'.. i only play with him whenever im around at my mom's house.. i can do better if i had kid.. 24-7.. i can play with them.. teach them ABC and 123.. bathe them.. feed them.. put them to bed.. bed time stories.. my Opah chu style.. buy them good toys.. good clothes.. i just wish..
but hey.. i said if only i die tomorrow.. no one know when they will die.. i hope im not dying soon.. for those who wanted kid but still no luck.. hey.. dont stress urself up.. work on it.. and at the same time.. enjoy life.. for those who already has kids and u felt very tired to deal with ur kids.. read this entry again..
well thought im the most positive human being ya? guess what.. i thought wrong.. im only human.. hmm.. i better off now.. or else laptop will get short-circuited..
